Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
