what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
