life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
