My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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