I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
