saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
