apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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