Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Randomize
