You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I need to calm my uterus...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
