Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
