I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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