God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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