I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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