I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
