My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
