ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
