I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We named our party play list daddy issues
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
