Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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