I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
