Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
