I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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