my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Randomize
