Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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