The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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