Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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