Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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