It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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