Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
