Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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