You just made me feel so damn special
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
