I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
