apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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