Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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