My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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