you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
