Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
the gays at disneyland are vicious
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
