I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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