I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
