there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Drunk is not a location!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
