Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
