when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I AM VODKA MAN
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
