Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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