I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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