You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
