Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
