he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
