census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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