Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
