Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
