I can text with my tongue
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
